Excel Excel and the Plot to rule Hogwarts
by RaeaWolf
Summary: Forgive me. I was going to post this under Excel Saga but it fits better here. The worst crossover ever.
1. Starting out

Since I'm also posting this under Harry Potter, I'm going to explain a few things about Excel saga: 1)Excel saga is a Japanese animation that takes pride in its way of making fun of other animes as well as other things. 2)Excel Saga follows the exploits of the ACROSS gang who try to take over the world, but to make things simpler they will begin by taking over F-city in Japan. 3) Excel is an ACROSS agent, annoying, dense, with a loud high pitched voice. 4)Hyatt is from Mars. She's weak, quiet...and constantly dieing or bleeding from the mouth. 5) Lord Ilpalazoo is the leader of ACROSS. 6)Menchi is a stray dog Excel picked up in ep. 1 as their emergency food supply. 7) Pedro is a foreign worker who died in ep.1, who's wife has betrayed him and son forgotten him. 8) Will-chan is a giant floating universe orb with female hands. To be brief, I refer to her as the hole in the plot.  
  
  
  
Koshi Rikdo runs out of a book store, filled with screaming little children and tired adults, holding book two. Instead of Reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets however, it reads Excel Excel and the Plot to Rule Hogwarts. Confused, he turns the book over and reads: I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby give my permission to turn the Excel Saga anime into a wizarding movie with magic and adventure. It had his seal and everything. "Oh well. Must've been drunk that time."  
  
Excel Excel and the Plot to Rule Hogwarts (aka: damn its been awhile)  
  
"ALL HAIL LORD ILPALAZOO!!!" the annoyingly high pitched voice of ACROSS agent Excel Excel rang through ACROSS HQ, which wasn't anything new to the three members. Agent Hyatt would've been doing the same....if she wasn't lying on the floor half dead and bleeding from three different places. "Annoyingly cheerful and energetic as always Excel?" asked an uninterested Ilpalazoo, leader of ACROSS, from his throne. "And what oh great leader is the plan for our domination of this filthy planet today Sir?" asked Excel. Ilpalazoo smirked and held up a few books. "Excel, do these look familiar at all?" of course these books where familiar. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing a group of ten year olds with atleast one of the books in their hand.  
  
"YES LORD ILPALAZOO! EXCEL KNOWS! THOSE ARE THE INFAMOUS FOUR HARRY POTTER BOOKS THAT HAVE BEEN RELEASED. Of course Excel wonders why Lord Ilpalazoo also has posession of the yet to be realeased other three, BUT EXCEL WILL BLINDLY IGNORE THAT! DOES GREAT LORD ILPALAZOO WANT EXCEL TO KILL THE AUTHOR AND END HER REIGN OF TERROR?!" Excel screamed quickly, as always. "Not this episode." He answered, and let his attention waver to the half dead Hyatt in front of him. "Oh! Excuse me sir, but Hyatts dead again!" Excel ran to begin the routine CPR process while Ilpalazoo flipped through one of the books, nodded, and tossed them into a conveniently placed paper shredder. "Excel and Hyatt, I want you two to infiltrate this...'Hogwarts' and pose as two witches, gain as much information as unnecessarily needed, and take over. After that we will have control over a great majority of the population and only need to find someway to control Otakus, Trekkies, and people with lives." Ilpalazoo then began muttering something about Tribbles and a bottle of Tequila, but lets not go there. "AS LORD ILPALAZOO WISHES SIR!" Boomed Excel. "Hail Lord Il-" Hyatt moaned weakly before dieing again.  
  
Excel and Hyatt stood outside a brick wall, dumbfounded. Their emergency food supply, Menchi, was tied to Excel's head, whimpering softly. "Umm....is this really Diagon Alley? It looks like a brick wall. How are we supposed to buy magical crap from a brick wall!? LORD ILPALAZOO! EXCEL HAS FAILED YOU WITHOUT EVEN BEGINNING!" Excel banged her head, or rather Menchi, against the brick wall. She must've hit the right bricks because at that moment Diagon Alley was now showing. The three walked into Diagon Alley, or rather Excel walked dragging a once again half-dead Hyatt behind her. Once Hyatt revived herself, she looked around at the stores and she had a thought. "Excuse me senior Excel, but if I remember correctly, we are in need of new currency as our current one is valueless here." she said weakly. "You mean we gotta pay for this crap? Alright then...HA!" Excel saw an old wizard walking by, who looked very pale, sick, and begging for death. She stuck her foot out and tripped him. The wizard fell flat on his face, Excel grabbed his money and ran for it, hoping noone saw. "C'mon Hyatt!" Excel screamed, while Hyatt just stared at what had happened. Deciding it was for the best and a noble sacrifice in the name of Lord Ilpalazoo, she slowly walked over to join Excel.  
  
"Hey, check it out, robes for every occasion!" Excel ran in, slowly followed by Hyatt. Seeing as how this shopping would take awhile, just imagine what Harry went through and add some sick puns into it. A few days later they arrived at the train station and looked at their ticket, to the platform, and once again at the ticket. "9 and 3/4? Holy $#!t, this is getting unnecessarily weird." Excel looked at it confused. Hyatt went to the barrier in between 9 and 10, put her hand through, and died. She fell through the barrier. "Alright Hyatt! You're a genuise!" Excel grabbed her and Hyatt's cart, with Menchi tied to her head, and ran through. She saw on the other side a bewildered Hyatt staring at a large train. They got on and sat down in an empty compartment. Excel examined the filthy human scum outside, soon to be ruled by Lord Ilpalazoo! Standing out was a family of red-heads, a tall and looming pale blonde guy with matching son, a girl with frizzy hair, and a boy with glasses and a lightning scar. "Oooh, something tells me I've stumbled upon the primary characters." All the children got on the train.  
  
"Great, all the compartments are completely full except this one, and there are two girls in it. How are we going to whisper about conspicous strange things that are happening, have a short stand-off with Draco, and introduce Neville and Seamus to first time readers with those two there?" came the voice of a red headed boy. Three kids came into the compartment and sat down as far away from Excel and Hyatt as possible. Harry leaned forward to Ron and Hermoine and whispered, "I've never seen those two before, but they look too old to be first years. You reckon they're transfers?" Hermoine looked shocked. "Transfers? Why-" and she went on a three page ramble about all the possible schools they might have come from, listed references, and other possible reasons why they were here. "Right, but do you figure one of them could be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?" Harry asked. At that moment Excel jumped up screaming as Menchi was attempting to chew a hole through the cloth tieing her to Excel and "accidentally" chewed Excel's head. "Let's hope not." Ron sighed.  
  
The train came to a halt and the students piled out. Excel and Hyatt, now in their robes, walked towards the biggest person they saw. And boy was he BIG. "All firs years here!" he kept yelling. "Hi Ron, Hermoine, and Harry!" he yelled waving. Excel saw the three kids who were in the compartment with her wave back. "Interesting observation." she said, recording things by scratching it in her arm with a rusty nail. They made their way over to Hagrid, assuming they were first years. Hagrid raised an eyebrow at the violently coughing dark haired girl, the blonde screaming about complete nonsense, and the dog flailing its arms. "Crazier every year." he sighed.  
  
If you made it this far, well I applaud you. Next chapter will be the sorting. Oh yeah. I have plenty of sarcasm planned. 


	2. The sorting of complete idiots

Excel Excel and the Plot to Rule Hogwarts Chapter II: The Sorting of Complete Idiots. (aka: this is for you "The Time Traveler" and "LaprisLazulKnight88". Because of your positive reviews, I wrote this piece of filth I'm passing off as fanfiction. ^.^)  
  
Hagrid rowed the first years to the castle. The boat ride went smoothly, if you don't count the incident of Hyatt almost falling over, but we aren't. The children piled into the Great Hall and waited, whispering about how they might be sorted into the different houses. "I wonder how we are to be sorted into the houses?" Hyatt asked Excel. "How the hell should I know?" she asked, trying to muffle the screams of menchi with her robe. Professor McGonagall walked in and led the students to the sorting ceremony. They all got in line and waited anxciously for what was to come. She came to a giant chair and set an old hat onto it. They waited in silence for a few minutes. "...well?" McGonagall asked. "What?" the hat sneered back in reply. "...aren't you gonna sing?" Snape asked. "Gee Severus, I didn't realize you enjoyed the sound of my voice that much. If you wanted to hear me sing so badly you should come visit me on my off hours and I'll gladly belt out some rap." the hat sneered sarcastically. "A talking hat? Well don't that just beat all." Excel said, scratching this new information into her leg with a chisel. "Seriously though, I don't feel like singing this year. Just call out the kid's names and lets get this over with." he sighed. "..haaaaaat.." Dumbledore whispered, pulling a knife out from under his robes from under the table so only the hat could see it.  
  
"Ok! Ok! Um...Lalalala, Gryffindors are brave, lalalla, Slytherins are meani butts, hrmhrmlala Hufflepuffs work hard, laalla Ravenclaws are smart, done." there was an awkward silence. "You're lucky I liked that song." Dumbledore whispered. McGonagall pulled out a parchment and started to call out names. The first kid was put in Ravenclaw, however he went to the table screaming because the hat had whispered "please kill me.". "Excel Excel!" Mcgonagall said. Excel ran upto the hat and put it on. "OH DEAR GOD!" the hat cried. "Your a complete idiot, nor do you really fit into any of the house stereotypes. However.....since your the main character, GRYFFINDOR!" it yelled. Excel went to the Gryffindor table and sat next to Ginny Weasly...who slowly scooted as far away from her as possible. Hyatt came up later and was also placed in Gryffindor, and was now lying face down on the floor next to the table. "Well, thats all of them." McGonagall sighed, releived. She sat down at the table next to Dumbledore as he stood up. Everyone could swear they heard Snape muttering something about Puff Daddy, Cyanide, and 'Oh yes, that'll kill it.' "I'd like to welcome everyone back to Hogwarts for another year, and to our first years, may you find yourslevs at home here. We are hoping that this year we will go through without any deaths, evil teachers, or strange plots to destroy someone or something." Excel laughed nervously to herself at these words. "Speaking of teachers, you're new Defense against the dark arts teacher is arriving a little late. However, he will be here in time for classes tomorrow. With all said and done, let us eat!" The food appeared on the table and the kids began to dig in. "Slave food." Hermoine muttered. "SLAVES made this food." she yelled in Ron's ear, who had by now consumed two chicken legs and a big hunk of God- knows-what. "Don't tell me you're going into THAT again." Ron sighed. "Hey Ron, you notice how Hermoine only goes on about S.P.E.W. and slave labor and such about once a month?" Harry whispered. "What're you saying Harry? Hermoine's some sort of social services werewolf?" he asked quietly so she wouldn't hear. Harry put his hand on Ron's shoulder, sighed, and bowed his head. "No wonder your still single." Excel drooled at what was before her. Food. Real food. She didn't have to kill it. It wasn't in some girls lunchbox for three weeks. It was food. FREE FOOD! What came after this will go down in Hogwarts history as the first time a student ate so much the house elves could not keep up. Hyatt looked over at her senior, not quite knowing what to make of this. But, as the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff. Life's too short, especially if you're Hyatt. Once the meal was finished, courtesy of Excel, the prefects led the students to their common rooms. Excel gaped at the painting of the fat lady they were standing in front of. "It's Hamtaro time." the prefect sighed, slightly embarassed. "Those little HamHams are so darn cute." the fat lady said as the painting opened. The prefect showed the first years where the dormitories were, and Excel and Hyatt went up to to claim their beds. Excel collapsed on her bed after she finished unpacking her things. She looked over at Hyatt who was doing something on a laptop. "Waaiiiiitttt, I thought electronic devices didn't work here." Hyatt motioned to the plot hole on the floor. "Oh! That makes complete sense!" Excel chirped. "So, whaddya doing Hyatt-Chan?" she jumped next to Hyatt on her bed and peered over her shoulder. "I am conducting further research on our mission by tapping into the minds of the fanbase to study character traits and therefore make getting into whatever "in" crowd we made need to penetrate to get vital information from much easier." Long pause. "So, uh...whaddya got so far?" "Well, currently I have summed up the boy named Ron is in deep love with the girl named Her-...I can't pronounce that, Herminny I'll just say, but will never admit it. A boy named Draco is merely misunderstood from a bad family life, and Sirius Black likes to lick chocolate syrup off of Remus Lupin's hot sexy chest." an even longer, more awkward pause. "Hyatt-chan, what site are you on?" she asked, not over the shock of hearing something she'd never thought she'd hear from Hyatt. "A very vital information source, I've found thousands of documents on this website. Almost enough to that we may not need to fulfill this mission. It's called, Fanfiction dot net." Hyatt beamed at her senior, proud of all she had accomplished. Excel merely stared at the screen. "....Ooh! Rocky Horror fiction! Go there!"  
  
~~end part 2~~  
  
a/n: w00t, part 2 done. I tried to make this a little more intellectual humor, but I can't. Excel Saga is not intellectual humor. Ideas or suggestions? Please give. 


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